A Study In 3 Parts: Part 2 - Secret Lairs

So I suppose the best way to continue this series is to proceed chronologically. I suppose this was two summers ago, around mid-August. As I recall, it was a lamentation/celebration dinner for my return to RPI for my sophomore year. We were at Havana in New Hope, eating out on the deck. Somehow, we got to talking about this list that Forbes magazine had which was the top 10 or so private islands for sale. I had come across this list while reading CNN.com at work, seeing as how I can only look at spreadsheets for so many hours each day. In any event, I mentioned that at some point in life, I should like to own one of these islands, although that may prove difficult as they are generally multi-million dollar islands, to serve as my own secret lair. This phrase was accompanied by a gesture, which was intended to swat away a gnat, as we were dining outside, but was interpreted as a kind of secret signal, which has since become exactly that.

Since that fateful day, the concept of the secret lair has evolved in my mind. It is no longer necessarily located on a private island, although it is not unappreciated. I suppose there are two ways to look at this, given the overall theme of this series. One view being that of super villain usefulness and the other being that of a pragmatist. It's like Frosted Mini-Wheats! The Secret Island Lair appeals to both the super villain in me and the pragmatist in me! First off, super villain usefulness.

I think one of the primary features needed would be a volcano, preferably dormant. This way one could make use of the geothermal vents to provide both heat, depending on the location of said island, and power. Besides which, I could carve my face into the side of a volcano, and who doesn't want that? Secondly, the island should lie far enough out that I could safely secede from any country and declare myself a sovereign power. This brings us to a question. Which do I like better? Emperor Ranbom, King Michael the First, or perharps, the dark horse, General Ranbom? The fascination with the latter being that I could go the Idi Amin route and award myself all kinds of crazy medals... impressive for parades and such but otherwise useless. I suppose it keeps the rabble distracted by shiny things though. Then you have your super villain amenities. Your helicopter/jet pad, submarine dock, laboratory, scheming/conference room, play room (for the kids) and whatever else can fit on the island. Of course, I would need enough room to house and outfit my cyborg army and henchmen (Part 3) which would probably be on the other side of the island, or compound as we like to say. The island would also need some sort of laser defense system, a protective reef and, for good measure, sharks. That's about all I've got for the super villain in me.

As for the more practical voice inside of me, I think the secret lair doesn't so much involve an island anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I'd love a private island, but I'd be just as happy otherwise. What it boils down to for this more than half of me is this: secret passages and rooms. It's all architechture. You look at older houses, and I don't mean 1950's ranch style one story houses in the suburbs, but really older houses, and a lot of them, at least from Civil War era in the North, have secret passages to hide runaway slaves as part of the Underground Railroad. Even some houses that weren't part of the Underground Railroad have doors that are seamed so that they just look like part of the wall. But I'm thinking beyond this. I'm thinking revolving bookcases and fireplaces, hidden staircases, and things of that nature. The sort of thing that you'd see in movies. Where the trigger would be a bust of George Bernard Shaw or a leatherbound copy of a Dickens' work or perhaps a collection of Shakesperean sonnets. I like the way that sets up because it forces me to have nice things. I mean if I had a leatherbound copy Bleak House on a shelf with copies of Larry the Cable Guy's autobiography or whatever the hell that is and Dirty Jokes and Beer, wouldn't it be kind of obvious? Likewise if I had a bust of George Bernard Shaw next to my collection of NASCAR collector's plates, is it a dead giveaway? So picture the Morgan library, prior to renevation. By the way, I'm kind of disappointed about that. I mean yeah it's uncomfortable, but that was stylish. Still is in my book, although my book contains things like hats, the three piece suit, mourning coats and spats for what it's worth. I digress. I think at one point I had planned where these passages would go. If I recall correctly, I had wanted the house/estate/ to have a courtyard directly in the middle of it, which, at a glance, would not be accessible at all. No visible doors or anything. But with a secret passage and a sliding stone wall, you're in. I want a hidden staircase to lead to a wine cellar, possibly a humidor as well. Finally, I'd like a passage from an office/library into a secret room, a sort of sanctum sanctorum, a place to get away from the kids, or from the wife. Guys, you know what I mean (read with a wink and a nudge to the ribs).